Not Amused
by WinterSky101
Summary: In which Remus wakes up in a girl's body and is Not Amused. (Sirius, however, is far TOO amused and will end up jinxed if he doesn't stop asking what it's like to have tits.)


**I don't even know, okay? I just wanted something cute and Marauders-era and my mind immediately jumped to "omg what if Remus got turned into a girl and Sirius was really annoying about it?" because that's what my mind does.**

**Anyway.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.**

* * *

Sirius awoke in his dormitory to find that there was a girl sleeping in Remus' bed.

His first thought was, _Damn, good job, Moony!_ After all, the girl did seem to be fairly attractive, from what Sirius could see.

His second thought was, _Wait, where is Moony anyway?_

It didn't seem like Remus to leave a girl in the dormitory and just go. And according to the clock, it was 8 a.m. on a Saturday. Normally, Remus would be awake at this point, but the full moon had been Thursday night, and the weekend after the full moon, Remus would sometimes only stumble out to the common room at noon. For him to be awake and out of bed at 8 on the Saturday after a full moon was unheard of.

"Moony?" Sirius called, sitting up. The girl in Remus' bed groaned. "Moony, where are you?"

"Leave me alone, Padfoot," a voice groaned. A voice that came from _the girl in Moony's bed_.

"Um, Moony, I think something seriously weird is going on here," Sirius stated cautiously. The girl groaned again.

"Padfoot, I'm trying to sleep," she whined. There was silence for a moment. "What happened to my voice?"

"Moony, open your eyes and look at yourself," Sirius suggested. The girl groaned as she sat up and blinked her eyes open, looking down.

"_Merlin!_" Remus shrieked, grabbing the sheets and yanking them over her body. Sirius fought the urge to burst into laughter. "I'll bloody _murder_ you, Sirius Orion Black! Turn me back right now!"

"What?" Sirius asked, confused. "Do you think _I_ did this?"

"Who the hell else would?" Remus snapped. "Turn me back this instant!"

"I didn't do it!" Sirius protested. "I swear! Do you really think I'd prank you two days after the full moon? No bloody way. I know you'd kill me if I screwed with you while you were trying to catch up on the work you missed."

"Then what the hell is this?" Remus demanded, gesturing with one arm at her newly-female body. The other arm was still clutching the sheet to her chest, even though she was fully clothed.

"Maybe James did it," Sirius offered. Remus arched an eyebrow.

"And didn't tell you?" she asked in an acidic tone. Sirius shrugged.

"He doesn't tell me _absolutely_ everything, you know," he replied. Remus scoffed at that. "Maybe it was him and Peter. Let's go down and ask them."

"I can't go downstairs looking like _this_!" Remus contradicted, her voice high. "Are you bloody mad?"

"Fine. I'll get them," Sirius replied, sighing and getting up. He grabbed some clothes and pulled them on, running a hand through his hair so it would be properly messed up. He went to leave the dormitory, but stopped just before he left.

"Oh, by the way," Sirius asked, sticking his head back around the door. "What's it like to have tits?"

Remus' enraged screech was probably heard in the Slytherin common rooms. Sirius managed to shut the door before whatever Remus threw at him (something made of glass, from the sound of it) was able to make contact.

Chuckling, Sirius went down to the Great Hall. Whoever had pulled this prank on Remus was absolutely _brilliant_.

* * *

When Sirius came down to the Great Hall, told James and Peter that Remus had turned into a girl, and asked that they come up to the dormitory, Peter hadn't really believed him.

The pissed-off girl sitting in Remus' bed was pretty good evidence that he had been telling the truth.

"Merlin's beard," James breathed, staring at Remus, who had her arms crossed tightly over her chest. "That is the best prank I've ever seen!"

"Really?" Sirius asked, frowning slightly. "I think flooding the entire Slytherin common room with porridge was a pretty good one."

"Sirius, Moony has _tits_," James stated in a slow voice. Sirius nodded after a moment, conceding the point.

"Yes, well, they're not really very enjoyable, so if we could figure out how to get rid of them…" Remus' voice was that cold, dangerous one that Peter always thought sounded a bit _too_ controlled. It certainly got the point across: if James and Sirius didn't stop their shit _really soon_, they were going to regret it. It wasn't a voice that Remus used very often, which probably added to its effectiveness. It wasn't even directed at Peter, and _he_ was unnerved.

"Right," James stated, nodding. "How to fix this."

"Has anyone ever heard of a spell or potion or anything that does this?" Peter asked. Remus huffed.

"I've been thinking about it, and the problem is that there are far too many different options for what this could be. And, of course, most of them can only be fixed in a highly specific fashion that isn't a good thing to do unless it actually is that spell or potion."

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked, lounging on his bed. Remus sighed.

"Well, if we think it's some sort of transfiguration spell and we try to reverse it using the counter spell, that could make the change permanent if this is actually the result of some certain types of potions. But if we think it's the result of a potion and we try to reverse that, it could cause memory loss."

"So we need to figure what's causing this before we do anything about it," James summed up. Remus nodded.

"I'd really rather not age twenty years," she replied. No one asked for elaboration. "So we should figure out who did this."

"There isn't exactly a shortage of students with a grudge against the Marauders," Sirius remarked. James frowned.

"Yes, but why go for Moony? Why not you or me? Hell, even Wormy is a more likely target."

"Hey!" Peter protested. James shrugged. "Anyway, who says this is because of a grudge against the Marauders? Maybe it's someone Remus showed up in class."

"Well, there's not a shortage of them either," Sirius remarked. Remus' cheeks flushed a pleased pink.

"Perhaps it was directed towards one of us, but it got Remus accidentally instead," Peter suggested. Sirius slowly sat upright.

"That actually makes sense, Wormy," he said, in a tone with far too much surprise to be good for Peter's self esteem. "Think about it. It was a full moon recently, so we've all been being extra nice to Moony. Prongs, you gave him chocolates. Wormy, you snuck into the kitchens to get him some food. And I made Moony the best hot chocolate in the history of hot chocolate." Remus blushed slightly as Sirius dropped her a saucy wink. Peter made a face. "Any of those things could have been cursed with the intention of getting it to us."

"So what do we do?" Peter asked. Remus was the one to answer.

"Go down to the Common Room. See if anyone looks at you oddly. We might as well see if it's a Gryffindor first. If not, we'll spread out the search from there."

Peter nodded. James stood. "Let's go," he declared, gesturing for everyone to leave the dormitory. Remus curled up on her bed, massaging her temples with her eyes squeezed shut.

"You okay, Moony?" Peter asked softly, after James and Sirius had already left. Remus cracked open an eye and offered Peter a wan smile.

"Just a headache, Wormtail. I'll be fine." Frowning slightly, Peter waved his wand and mumbled an incantation. Remus' blanket lifted from the bottom of her bed and covered her body. With another wave and murmured spell, Peter refilled the jug of water next to Remus' bed. Remus' smile widened.

"Thank you, Peter," she said softly. Peter smiled back before he too slipped out of the dormitory, leaving Remus alone.

* * *

James knew he was supposed to be searching for someone in the Common Room who was looking at them oddly. And yes, he knew that staring at Lily Evans was probably distracting him from doing that. But she _was_ looking at them oddly, so James figured he was investigating, as he had been charged to do, and went over to her.

"Hey, Evans," he called, aiming for casual. Lily arched an eyebrow.

"Why are you talking to me, Potter?" she demanded. Her temper was as fiery as her red hair. James loved it.

"Oh, come off it, Evans," he teased. "I know you want me to talk to you. I've seen you staring at me since I came down from the dormitory."

"I haven't been staring at _you_," Lily retorted. "I'm wondering where Remus is. Is he feeling unwell? He looked terrible on Thursday, and he was in the hospital wing yesterday."

"Why does it matter to you where Moony is?" James asked, wondering if he had perhaps stumbled upon a clue. Lily wouldn't do it - she actually liked Remus - but perhaps she knew who did.

"Unlike certain people, Remus is _nice_," Lily snapped. "And we were going to practice Defense Against the Dark Arts today, to be ready when we get tested on the Shield Charm on Monday."

"We all know neither of you need any practice," James scoffed. "I wouldn't be surprised if Remus taught Defense someday, with how good he is. And we all know you're at the top of our year, Evans."

"Because I practice," Lily retorted, blushing slightly. "Is Remus up in the dormitory? I'd like to see if there's anything I can do to help, if he's not feeling well."

A wave of panic suddenly hit James. Remus would never forgive him if he allowed Lily to go up to the dormitory, with the state Remus was currently in. James had to figure out a way to stall.

"We all know you want to go up to the dormitory so you can see where I sleep every night," James teased, knowing it was a fairly pathetic attempt. If looks could kill, he would have been incinerated by the glare Lily shot him.

"If you would get out of my way, Potter-" she began, standing, but James planted himself in front of her.

"You can't go up there," he told her quickly. She arched an eyebrow.

"And why is that?" she demanded coldly. James wracked his brains for an answer.

"Remus has a headache and he…he doesn't want anyone going up there."

"Does he get migraines?" Lily asked, frowning. "My mother does as well. Perhaps I can help."

"No!" James half-shouted. "No, he, um, he doesn't want anyone up there in case it's contagious." The second he said it, James regretted it. The look Lily was giving him made him feel about three inches tall.

"A contagious headache," she replied in a highly skeptical voice. James nodded weakly. "You are an utter idiot, James Potter." With that, Lily flounced off. James noted with some relief that she went to the stairs to the girls' dormitory, not the boys'. A hand dropped on James' shoulder and he jumped.

"You do remember we're supposed to be helping Moony, not flirting, right?" Sirius teased. James gave him a dirty look.

"I _am_ helping Moony. Lily wanted to go up and see him. Her. Whatever. I was talking her out of it."

"Sure you were," Sirius replied, sounding dubious. "Come on, mate. I think the Prewitt brothers look a little shifty."

"You always think the Prewitt brothers look shifty," James complained - Sirius had never really forgiven them for jinxing his hair to be hot pink after the Marauders played a particularly good prank that had involved a house elf, a few dozen cakes, and a very disgruntled hippogriff - but he followed Sirius over anyway.

He didn't notice Lily sneaking up the stairs to the boys' dormitory.

* * *

"Remus?" Lily called as she slipped up to the boys' dormitory. James had been acting very shifty as he talked about Remus' mysterious illness - she didn't believe the excuse of a "contagious headache" for one second - and Lily wanted to make sure he was okay. She didn't _think_ James, Sirius, and Peter would prank their fellow Marauder, but she wanted to be sure. "Remus, are you alright?"

"Lily?" Remus' voice sounded strange, higher than normal. Lily frowned. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to check that you were alright," Lily replied. "Can I come in?"

"Um…" Remus sounded torn. "You're alone, right?"

"Yes…" Lily replied, a little confused. Remus sighed deeply.

"Come in."

Lily pushed open the door to the boys' dormitory gently to find that the person inside did not look to be a boy at all.

Remus had turned into a girl.

"Oh!" Lily cried, staring in shock. "Remus, what happened?"

"That's what we're trying to find out," Remus replied miserably. "We've been wondering if it was someone who was aiming for one of the others and hit me accidentally, or if this was aimed towards me. Either way, we need to figure out what this is before we can do anything to reverse it."

"And by 'we,' you mean…"

"The Marauders," Remus finished with a sigh. She sat down on the bed, running a hand through her hair. "The others went out to see if anyone seemed suspicious in the common room. I assume James told you what was going on?"

"He tried to keep me from coming up," Lily replied, sticking up for James Potter for once in her life. "But he was a terrible liar. He told me you had a contagious headache."

Remus chuckled. "I do have a headache," she offered. "I'd kill for a cup of tea right now."

"I can get you some," Lily offered. Remus smiled softly and shook her head.

"I'm fine, Lily. But thank you." Remus' eyes went wide suddenly. "Oh, damn, we were going to study for Defense Against the Dark Arts today, weren't we?"

"It's fine," Lily replied immediately as Remus started searching around her bed for her textbook. "We don't need to study now."

"Just let me find my textbook," Remus replied as if Lily hadn't spoken, looking through her things. "I'm sorry, I'm normally not such a mess, but I was ill recently, and I think Sirius might have stolen my book, so-"

Lily watched as Remus shoved aside wrapping for chocolates. Her eyes went wide as she recognized the paper.

"Remus, where did you get those?" she asked as she picked up the wrapping, the niggling fear she had felt since seeing Remus growing. Remus looked up at Lily distractedly.

"Oh, the chocolates? James gave them to me. He found them in his trunk."

"Oh, damn," Lily groaned. "I'm so sorry, Remus."

"Lily?" Remus asked, standing and looking at Lily with a confused frown on her face.

"I'm the one that cursed you. But I swear I didn't mean to." The puzzled look on Remus' face remained. "I snuck those chocolates into James' trunk. They've got a potion in them to turn him into a girl. I mean, he's always so annoying and rude in the way he treats me, so I thought perhaps if he spent a day as a girl, he would stop. It never occurred to me that he'd give the chocolates to you and that you would get the potion instead. I'm so sorry." Lily wrung her hands, half-expecting Remus to start yelling at her. She should have known better. Remus just chuckled fondly, shaking her head.

"Next time you want to prank James, just tell me. I'll help you come up with a prank that's sure to affect him. You said it only lasts a day?"

"One day," Lily replied, still feeling horribly guilty. "You'll be back to normal tomorrow, I promise."

"Well then, all's well that ends well," Remus replied, shrugging. "Shall we study now?" She held up her textbook, which had been under Sirius' bed, and flipped it open to Shield Charms.

"I would love to," Lily replied, smiling shyly. Remus' smile turned mischievous, and before Lily could even think to put up a Shield Charm, Remus hit her with a tickling charm that had Lily giggling like mad until Remus finally relented.

Next time, she'd be sure to come up with a better prank to get back at James.

* * *

The next morning, Remus awoke back to normal, as Lily had promised. He hadn't told the others what had happened, only said that most of the spells and potions wore off after a day, so they could wait and see what happened.

"Hey, Moony," Sirius yawned when he woke a while after Remus, padding across the dormitory to grab his jeans, which had somehow ended up hanging from the curtain rod for Peter's bed. "You're back to normal, then?"

"Thankfully," Remus replied, glad to hear his normal voice instead of the higher one he had been forced to use the day before. "I suppose it only does last a day."

"Good." Sirius yawned again, pulling his pants on as he hopped back to his bed. "So, you never did answer my question yesterday."

Remus started to ask what question Sirius meant when James groaned, sitting up himself. "Morning," he mumbled. He looked over at Remus and blinked a few times. "Hey, Moony, you're normal again!"

"That I am," Remus replied, putting aside the book he had been reading as he waited for the other Marauders to wake up. "It only lasted a day, just like I thought."

"That's good," James replied, stretching. "Is Wormy awake yet?"

"Nope," Sirius replied, grinning wickedly. "Should we wake him up?" In response, James flicked his wand, hoisting Peter into the air by his ankle. Remus winced and performed the countercharm immediately; that wasn't a nice way to wake up. It was too late, Peter had already awoken.

"You're an ass, James," Peter groaned, rolling onto his back and sitting up. James shrugged.

"You needed to wake up. And hey, Moony's back to normal!"

"Wonderful," Peter deadpanned, flopping back onto his pillow. James held up his wand threateningly.

"Now, none of that, Wormy," he began, waving his wand, but Remus shot out a Shield Charm to stop the jinx from hitting Peter. "Moony!" James whined, but Remus just gave James a disparaging look that had him putting his wand down immediately.

"Breakfast, then?" Sirius asked, tousling his hair just the right way. Remus rolled his eyes.

"Let James and Peter get dressed first," he suggested. Sirius shrugged.

"Then we'll go down and leave them up here. After all, they did that to us yesterday." Remus sighed as he got up to accompany Sirius down the stairs. "Oh, and Moony, you still haven't answered my question."

"What question?" Remus asked, feeling that he would probably regret asking that in a few minutes. Sirius' wicked grin only reinforced that thought.

"What was it like to have tits?" Without skipping a beat, Remus jabbed his wand towards Sirius, casting a nonverbal Leg-Locker Curse on him. Sirius fell immediately.

"What- Moony!" Remus ignored Sirius' complaints and began down the stairs. "Moony! Goddamn it, Moony! What- No, Prongs, this isn't bloody funny!" Remus smirked a little as he entered the Common Room, where he immediately went over to Lily's side, seeing that she was also on her way to the Great Hall.

"Lily?" he called softly. Lily turned around with a smile.

"Remus! Nice to see that you're back to normal." Lily bit her lip. "I really am sorry, you know."

"I don't mind," Remus replied, waving a nonchalant hand. "But I do have something to ask you."

"Anything," Lily replied eagerly. Remus grinned.

"When we play that prank on James, can we make sure it hits Sirius as well?"


End file.
